So I have been gone for a while because I was involved in IRL stuffs

So I have been gone for a while because I was involved in IRL stuffs.

As a result, I have become involved in various nursing advocacy groups (that are quickly becoming astroturfed, but that is another post).  I came across this gem today and just had to share the fabulous ideas promulgated by “Advisory Board” which appears to be a faceless consulting organization run by idiots with MBA’s who are desperate to pay back their student loans.

UPDATE
A colleague informed me that these fabulous recommendations  came from Steven Berkow.  He has a JD. It was expensive (I will be starting my own shortly, so I know how much debt I will be in) and stressful, because it took all his hair (I love bald guys. My husband is a bald guy).

Anyway, as an engaged nurse who owes $100,000 in student loans for my MSN, I thought I would provide by own scholarly perspective.  Okay in reality I just got off work and I am having a beer (hey it’s three o’clock somewhere) and got on my computer so I could actually address this *bullshit*cough* point-by-point.  In other words, TLDR warning but somebody had to say it.  I will try not to swear.  Promise

Hey – if it’s gets enough views I might make a swanky PowerPoint to make it all professional.

I see how long this is, so here is musical accompaniment.
15 best practices for improving nurse engagement

Translate Market Forces into Frontline Terms

    • Executives host unit-based, town hall forums
      • My facility does this.  Nobody attends because we actually work for a living and they are not paying us to be there. If I am not getting paid I am not getting dressed up to hear Dr. Fancypants w. Alottamoney, MBA, RN, NEA-BC, CENP, CPHQ, FACHE, verb nouns and noun verbs in an attempt to use jargon to obfuscate the fact that she in reality has absolutely no idea what is going on.
    • Staff nurse liaison relays information from senior leaders back to peers
      • Pray tell who is going to be hired for this position?  Nobody.  You are just going to have numerous meetings daily and force the charge nurse (who has actual work to do) to go to these meetings.  Then you will institute a “huddle” at change of shift where the charge nurse will disseminate the same information day after day to the same people who have to be at work early to clock in and sit around waiting for the charge nurse to be done doing the actual work s/he was unable to do while sitting in meetings so that s/he can read a prepared script and mispronounce all the big words.
    • Interactive exercise shows managers how adverse events affect unit budgets
      • if the managers do not know this, they need to be back on the damn floor (oops. I owe someone a quarter).
    • System identifies, addresses rumors circulating among frontline staff
      • this would be great is someone actually addressed the rumors instead of reading off prepared talking points in a disingenuous attempt to placate staff with empty reassurances and bullshit (another quarter, sorry).

Rationalize the Flow of Change OR who comes up with this horse pucky?

    • Limiting organization-wide emails helps minimize change fatigue
      • Actually, if the bloated administrative assistants would quit sending me stupid emails regarding crap that has nothing to do with my job, that would be great.  Also, I do not care what new MLM diet plan that marketing chick is selling.
      •  Get off my lawn.
    • Email color coding indicates priority level
      • no dumbass it takes up valuable bandwidth, just like you.
    • Change events calendar maximizes awareness, minimizes overlap
      • !!!!NEWSFLASH !!!!
      • NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR EVENTS CALENDAR!!!!
      • We are working twelve hours a day, sometimes at night.
      •  No, I am not waking up at 0400 when I WORK NIGHTS so I can commute to a job when I am not getting paid to partake in your heart health/diabetes month/pride parade for patient safety.
      • No, this is not high school and even then I never went to pep rallies. I was behind the bleachers doing important things.

Pursue Quality Ideas Over Quantity (like “work smarter, not harder lol)

    • Structured idea submission form focuses suggestions on organizational challenges
      • WTF does this even mean?  Your organizational challenges revolve around making a profit.
      • We all know this.
      • Quit hiding it.
    • Frontline staff asked to not only identify challenges but also suggest solutions
      • Great idea!!  I tried that. I GOT FIRED.
      • Screw you meatpie I wasn’t born yesterday. I know that if good ideas do not appear to spring from my superior’s heads they will be ignored or sabotaged.
      • I also know that I should curate favor with my superiors by letting it appear they come up with all the good ideas so I can keep my job.
    • Idea progress board allows daily vetting, tracking of potential process improvements
      • This person sounds like they attempted to get one of those karate belts in LEAN and had their ass kicked by Sonny Chiba, Bruce Lee,  and Jackie Chan simultaneously.
      • I have an *EXPLETIVE* MASTERS DEGREE.  I *know* the Toyota way better than you asshole and you are screwing it up (I think I may owe y’all a dollar by now, just run me up a tab).

Build Meaningful Recognition into Leaders’ Workflow (I almost spit my beer out.  I now require another)

    • Frontline recognition kit equips managers to mail staff hand-written notes
      • If my manager gives me a hand-written note it *better* have a Starbucks card attached.
    • Special staff rewards, recognition triggered by specific performance criteria
      • See above. Also, take that Daisy BS and shove it up your ass along with all the nurse’s week crap you keep handing out.  I know that this will only happen when CMS gives the facility full reimbursement, which will *never happen* since CMS regs are *designed to prevent* them from fully reimbursing you greedy corporate whores.
    • Weekly organization-wide email recognizes individual/team achievements
      • *blinks*
      • I thought above you said we were not going to get the bullshit emails anymore.

Broaden Access to Nontraditional Development Opportunities (they do not have an appropriate emoticon for my reaction to this statement. Imagine an angry cactus that is also bewildered)

    • Have staff members build customized professional development portfolios
      • I gave you my fucking resume before you hired me.  If it wasn’t good enough then why am I here?
      • Asshole.
    • Internally train high-potential staff and backfill with new hires to reduce costs
  • I literally laughed out loud at this.”backfill with new hires” like new hires are dirt. Backfill. That’s rich.

    What exactly is a “high-potential” staff? Young, uneducated, and stupid? Or old, over educated and desperate? If the latter, sign me up. I am sick of the bedside.

    Because of crap like this.

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Priorities

With thanks to The Onion, which I blatantly plagiarized for this piece.

CONAKRY, GUINEA Rio de Janeiro, Brazil —With the death microcephaly toll in West Africa Northeast Brazil continuing to rise amid a new outbreak of the Ebola Zika virus, leading medical experts announced Wednesday that a vaccine for the deadly mildly annoying disease is still at least 50 white people from being developed.

“While all measures are being taken to contain the spread of the contagion, an effective, safe, and reliable Ebola Zika inoculation unfortunately remains roughly 50 to 60 white people away, if not more,” said Tulane University pathologist Gregory Wensmann, adding that while progress has been made over the course of the last two or three white people, a potential Ebola Zika vaccination is still many more white people off. “We are confident, however, that with each passing white person, we’re moving closer to an eventual antigenic that will prevent and possibly even eradicate the disease.” Wensmann said he remained optimistic that the vaccine would not take considerably longer than his prediction, as waiting more than 50 white people for an effective preventative measure was something the world would simply not allow.”

 
Access to birth control in the affected areas will require considerably more affected Caucasians, as the Catholic Church can survive quite comfortably for some time by simply encouraging more irresponsible breeding by the faithful. “It is possible that the number of cases of microcephaly with suspected relationship to Zika will be much less,” said Bishop Cardinal Circenses Maximus Severus Thrax, who added that the church could maintain its revenue stream just by encouraging the impoverished to reproduce more. Asked about the recent pleas by government officials to avoid pregnancy for the duration of the outbreak, His Highness said, “It’s not up to the government; it’s up to God, I don’t think the youth will stop having children,” adding “Are you going to stop having sex?”

Access to safe, legal abortion on demand will require many more cases of microcephaly among people with fair complexions, as it is still acceptable for brown women to face imprisonment or death for not having babies after sex. As cases of Zika continue to spread, news outlets in the United States are trumpeting that “Zika may even be harder to defeat than Ebola,” which was itself only defeated when it affected an unacceptable number of white people. Meanwhile, privileged whites in the Northern Hemisphere are insisting that people can continue to breed indiscriminately, as they attribute the cases of microcephaly to GMOs, or vaccines like that for tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis.

With all of these confounding factors, a vaccine for Zika will certainly become available before human rights are available to women in the affected areas. Representatives of the church have affirmed, “Morality says that people shouldn’t have that control,” insisting that health, quality of life, and well-being should be determined by a mosquito.