With thanks to The Onion, which I blatantly plagiarized for this piece.
CONAKRY, GUINEA Rio de Janeiro, Brazil —With the death microcephaly toll in West Africa Northeast Brazil continuing to rise amid a new outbreak of the Ebola Zika virus, leading medical experts announced Wednesday that a vaccine for the deadly mildly annoying disease is still at least 50 white people from being developed.
“While all measures are being taken to contain the spread of the contagion, an effective, safe, and reliable Ebola Zika inoculation unfortunately remains roughly 50 to 60 white people away, if not more,” said Tulane University pathologist Gregory Wensmann, adding that while progress has been made over the course of the last two or three white people, a potential Ebola Zika vaccination is still many more white people off. “We are confident, however, that with each passing white person, we’re moving closer to an eventual antigenic that will prevent and possibly even eradicate the disease.” Wensmann said he remained optimistic that the vaccine would not take considerably longer than his prediction, as waiting more than 50 white people for an effective preventative measure was something the world would simply not allow.”
Access to birth control in the affected areas will require considerably more affected Caucasians, as the Catholic Church can survive quite comfortably for some time by simply encouraging more irresponsible breeding by the faithful. “It is possible that the number of cases of microcephaly with suspected relationship to Zika will be much less,” said Bishop Cardinal Circenses Maximus Severus Thrax, who added that the church could maintain its revenue stream just by encouraging the impoverished to reproduce more. Asked about the recent pleas by government officials to avoid pregnancy for the duration of the outbreak, His Highness said, “It’s not up to the government; it’s up to God, I don’t think the youth will stop having children,” adding “Are you going to stop having sex?”
Access to safe, legal abortion on demand will require many more cases of microcephaly among people with fair complexions, as it is still acceptable for brown women to face imprisonment or death for not having babies after sex. As cases of Zika continue to spread, news outlets in the United States are trumpeting that “Zika may even be harder to defeat than Ebola,” which was itself only defeated when it affected an unacceptable number of white people. Meanwhile, privileged whites in the Northern Hemisphere are insisting that people can continue to breed indiscriminately, as they attribute the cases of microcephaly to GMOs, or vaccines like that for tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis.
With all of these confounding factors, a vaccine for Zika will certainly become available before human rights are available to women in the affected areas. Representatives of the church have affirmed, “Morality says that people shouldn’t have that control,” insisting that health, quality of life, and well-being should be determined by a mosquito.